5 things I hated about the movie Gravity

Accurate description of Gravity: A 90 minute
anxiety attack. Thank you “Funny or Die” for these
alternate title movie posters.

I won the Oscar party pool by voting Gravity across the board (except Best Actress, there was no chance, Sandy). After actually watching* the movie Gravity, I feel compelled to return my winnings. WHAT A HORRIBLE FILM.

After ranting theatrically, Mr. T suggested I channel my anger (and desire to punch something last night) into a blog post. Thus, this spoiler-filled recounting of the five things I hated most about the movie Gravity.

1. Noobs in space. Pardon my skepticism that NASA would send a person with barely 6-months training into space. Not a chance! This flaw in the fundamental premise of the movie made it really difficult to buy the storyline. And the other astronauts hanging out and fooling around? Puh-lease.

2. Lack of character development. Okay, I’m that person who cries at 30-second commercials and reruns of Grey’s Anatomy. They killed George Clooney and I didn’t bat an eye. In fact, I yelled at the TV. Why? Because of the basic lack of character development. I didn’t care about anyone. (Yes, okay, I had a twinge of sad when she talked about her daughter and when they did the pandering with family photos from the dead astronauts.) I expected and wished for some on-earth back stories to provide some emotional connection.

3. Rocket science degree required? You know what’s not fun? Spending an entire movie asking questions. Luckily we watched this flick at home so Mr. T could pause and answer my queries about probability and authenticity. Could that actually happen? Why isn’t she holding on? Why can’t she just pull George back with her? Is that real? Does fire actually work that way in space? I imagine that so much of the movie’s nuance was lost on those, like me, without a background in space exploration. From a storytelling perspective, I wished the creators had worked in more help and clues for viewers.

4. A misophonia nightmare. Yeah, 90 minutes of Sandra Bullocks huffing and puffing and grunting? For someone with an intense dislike for repetitive noises: A full-on, stress filled nightmare.

Now, I’ve heard from friends that I hated it because I didn’t see it in IMAX. Perhaps.

5. Oh, the misogyny. Would it have hurt to position the woman in more of an expert role? The entire movie would have still worked with only minor changes to the, um, monologue. But no, the female astronaut, of which there are so many I’m sure, is portrayed as weak, emotional, and unprepared while the patronizing patriarchal father figure (sorry, George) floats around calm as rocks even as he sentences himself to death. (Every woman needs a protector, right?) COME ON, PEOPLE. I am damn tired of female characters being portrayed this way. Rawr.

Now that I’m all riled up again…

xoxo,
shawna

* Our Oscar parties are the best because no one’s actually seen any of the movies!

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